facing my fears.

facing my fears...

so i've been in quite a funk lately,
a scarry state of hiding, lashing out, and retreating again.

of yelling and crying, really really crying, like uncotrollable sobbing... and screaming and cussing

it's hard to say what all brought it on...
i'm sure it's lotts of things...

but i am only just starting to attempt to stand once again, i no longer fear the being knocked down... it is bound to happen...

humans are so incredible and scarry and full of simplicity and complexity, and strangeness to mundane with every level of unpredictability...

what is it about fear that can be so controlling... so overpowering?
how can fear be a motivation? i mean isn't that a contradiction in terms?

fright or fight or flight?

i guess it can be all three, almost all at once...

this has been me, for a while now...

maybe i am just bi-polar, i don't know, it seems i am either really good, or really bad... but i have been getting worse and worse ffor so long now it seems, i don't even remember what good feels like...

anyway... i ramble...
but i am realizing i can i either lay here and wait for the hungry dogs to feast on me, or i can growl back... ya sure, i'll probably get bit, but life is for the living!