Thursday, December 14, 2006

what am i to do?
Current mood: discombobulated

how am i to love a man who cheats and lies?
how can i give my heart to a man who only breaks it?
how do i raise his children? with or without him?
is it really in me to forgive?
again?
how many times?
77 x 7 like jesus says?

i am so lost and hurt and betrayed and confused..
just when i thought the sun was starting to peer through the stormy skies...
just when i thought our break was coming...
just when i thought he was really capable of loving me like he says he wants to...

and why now?
why does he wait 2 months to tell me, all the while i was the fool...
beleiving him,
beleiving her...
i don't even want to think about her...
it makes me sick how naive i have been..

every red flag was there...
i had every warning
i knew every precaution...
and even after the act he had the nerve to play as if there was nothing wrong...
as if he could never do such a thing... though he had before...
as if my inability to trust were the problem...

and he just stood by and watched..
watched me welcome her..
making freinds...
making art together...
all the while hiding their dirty little secret..
and all the while she begged him not to tell....

how could he do this?
to me?
to us?
to our children..?

all the lies, all the connery and deceit that it took....
to get me to come back to him, when i was already ready to leave him
at the time thinking all he had done wrong was spend a little too much time talking to her..
innocent conversation he would have me beleive...

while i was nerve racked with fear and suspicion, 2000 miles away
him swearing he knew how to set boundaries for himself
him swearing he could make his own restrictions...
'let me do it out of love, not law' he would say,
convincing me i need not make rules to govern his life...

and how does he show his love?
by going to her house...
getting drunk with her...
alone...
when i didn't even want them to talk over the internet?

some boundaries!!!
and then again he does it?!!!!!????
only a few days later!

how can i forgive this?
months have gone by...
and now he tells me
tortured by his guilt he tells me

am i to have pity?
has he no shame?

merry mother f@*..ing christmas honey!!!!

Currently listening :
Lovers Rock
By Sade
Release date: By 14 November, 2000

2:44 AM - 9 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


Amythyst

What dosen't kill us only makes us stronger.... I can't wait to see you and give you a great big old hug. YOU ARE NO FOOL. He is the fool ten times over.

Posted by Amythyst on Thursday, December 14, 2006 at 5:37 PM
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April


You are a very strong woman and I know you will get through this. I'm praying for you lots. XO, April


Posted by April on Thursday, December 14, 2006 at 5:59 PM
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Atim

Missing you and looking at the stars together, hoping to see one shooting across the sky, while eating your yummy cookies and drinking your expertly made chai. ( i swear i didn't mean to rhyme) This is what i first thought of when reading this. I have no advice to you, because i am not married, but i do have a home that is open and always ready for visitors.

Posted by Atim on Thursday, December 14, 2006 at 7:06 PM
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scotts nurse

Renee, i wrote that chick a mean letter and i don't even know what to do with ed. I feel like beating some folks down right now. how do i begin to forgive them. how do you? Darling you will get through and say the word and i'll help you. call me, if you can, let me know what i can do. we are here for you and want the world for you and your girls. the world!

Posted by scotts nurse on Friday, December 15, 2006 at 10:25 PM
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megan

Renee, I am so sad and praying for you. Comfort and peace, wisdom and God's grace to carry on. I just want you to know that we love you and want to support you in any way possible. Please call for ANY reason! We will be in Chicago (Des Plaines) on Jan. 10. Love, love, love to you. 707-498-5693 (my cell)

megs

Posted by megan on Saturday, December 16, 2006 at 11:08 AM
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kenny and camilla

its time to roll out. everyone wants to say the nice christian thing, but the nice"christian" thing doesnt work because it is bullshit. the biblical thing to do in this case is to get a divorce. Ed will never change or treat you like a woman. this is true, he has in reality really never treated you well renee. you must simply face the fact that ed doesnt know how to love you. is this a good reason to get a divorce i think it is the only reason to get one. the scripture allows for a divorce in this case. there is no amount of forgiveness that will ever heal your broken and wounded heart. dont be the weak woman living on borrowed bread. you can take charge of your life get away from the cause of most of your pain. yes this is a rough message and probably one that you will find hard to hear i'm sorry for my lack of tact... if you need anything let us know kenny

Posted by kenny and camilla on Saturday, December 16, 2006 at 9:03 PM
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Anam Cara


you are not to have pity and he does obviously have no shame.you are an amazing woman who does not deserve to be anybodys 2nd best. you should be worshipped, adored. fuck that mess that is the past. be strong. keep pn keepin on. i believe you can. my thoughts are with you and your daughters.


Posted by Anam Cara on Sunday, December 17, 2006 at 1:03 PM