Monday, December 18, 2006
she will love him, revised
there was a time when i thought i had seen it all, and it was still not enough to leave him
there was a time when i thought the joy of loving him far outweighed any pain he could cause me
well those times are over
now i see just what he is capable of
the cheating, the lying, the manipulation, the utter disregard of my heart
he has betrayed me on every level
he has failed me in every way
and i now know that it is not so much that i can only love him to a point
but that if i am to trully love him, i have to leave him
it is not love to let him controll me the way he does
it is not love to enable him to keep hurting me beyond repair
to abandon myself altogether
to lose all self esteem and any resolve i ever had to care about my own welfare... that is not love...
if it is love that he needs than he cannot have the permission to trash me to oblivion
he cannot be allowed a place in my heart any longer, if he is only able to bring that place to such ruin that i start to hate the whole world altogether
yes we are each responsible for our own actions, but something terrible happens when you give someone all of you and they abuse you in this way
when they lie to you and cheat on you and can't even face the consequences of their own sin and still have the nerve to demand your forgiveness...
the fact that i have catered to him for three years now, all the while beleiving he can change, that he does love me, that he does care, that we have just had it hard.. i was a fool, and to go on in that way would be to my demise.
it is sad, but it is true...
what is the saddest thing is that i really thought i was happy with him
i really thought we had a good marriage, or at least i thought it would only get better...
i kept hope, i remained faithful, through all of his neglect and mistreatment
i loved him with my whole heart, and now my heart is so shattered and shriveled up in bitterness, i no longer recognise my own thoughts, my own voice, or my own face.
i have been brought to the end of myself and i no longer find comfort even in my own arms
i had thought that if i go on, if i kept loving him, if i kept caring for him and showing him that i am there for him no matter what, that that was all we needed to make a beautiful life together..
but it is not all...
i cannot do it alone..
i cannot be the only one fighting for our love
if i have not been motivation enough, i may never be
if he did not love me enough when he had me, he may never love me trully.
it really does take two, and if i am the only one swearing faithfulness and i am the only one taking care of him, and no one is taking care of me, then it would have fallen apart anyway, whether he committed this crime or not
he didn't value me enough to make it work, and untill he proves that he is even capable of doing that, he cannot and he will not ever have that chance again....
2:09 PM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Angie
It is like you are taking the words right from my own heart. I know exactly what you are feeling cause I am going through it to. I keep you in my thoughts.
Angie
Posted by Angie on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 9:30 PM
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Little Steff
I am so glad that you are here in this place that I call home. This is where we met and this is where our mothers stay. This is the place where I will be. And in case you are ever scared or need me to squeeze you, or want me to buy you a (insert your favorite comfort food here), or want to introduce me to some weird food that looks a lot worse than it tastes, just to see my reaction, or if you don't have someone to cry to, or if you wanna go crusing, or if you need a buddy, or someone to go to church with or if you wanna pop some popcorn- you know the really buttery stuff- and watch a chick flick, or if you wanna yell and just need someone to really hear you, well my dear, here in this place you will find me. And in me you will find one who is willing to be all of those things for you. Love and sunny rainbowy smiley fresh breezez and huggy lovey gumdropedy chocolate covered smiles to you!
Posted by Little Steff on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 10:24 PM
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Star
renea..insparation and hope to women everywhere
Posted by Star on Tuesday, December 19, 2006 at 9:56 AM
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scotts nurse
Renee, i just cry for you and your loss. Like a death, i think. The death of what was and the mourning that follows. But these words sound shallow, and if only i could tell you that i try to understand, in order to pray for you the best i can. I love you. We should talk for hours one night. Wish i could have seen you. Love Sincerely, Devon
Posted by scotts nurse on Tuesday, December 19, 2006 at 10:03 AM
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she will love him, revised
there was a time when i thought i had seen it all, and it was still not enough to leave him
there was a time when i thought the joy of loving him far outweighed any pain he could cause me
well those times are over
now i see just what he is capable of
the cheating, the lying, the manipulation, the utter disregard of my heart
he has betrayed me on every level
he has failed me in every way
and i now know that it is not so much that i can only love him to a point
but that if i am to trully love him, i have to leave him
it is not love to let him controll me the way he does
it is not love to enable him to keep hurting me beyond repair
to abandon myself altogether
to lose all self esteem and any resolve i ever had to care about my own welfare... that is not love...
if it is love that he needs than he cannot have the permission to trash me to oblivion
he cannot be allowed a place in my heart any longer, if he is only able to bring that place to such ruin that i start to hate the whole world altogether
yes we are each responsible for our own actions, but something terrible happens when you give someone all of you and they abuse you in this way
when they lie to you and cheat on you and can't even face the consequences of their own sin and still have the nerve to demand your forgiveness...
the fact that i have catered to him for three years now, all the while beleiving he can change, that he does love me, that he does care, that we have just had it hard.. i was a fool, and to go on in that way would be to my demise.
it is sad, but it is true...
what is the saddest thing is that i really thought i was happy with him
i really thought we had a good marriage, or at least i thought it would only get better...
i kept hope, i remained faithful, through all of his neglect and mistreatment
i loved him with my whole heart, and now my heart is so shattered and shriveled up in bitterness, i no longer recognise my own thoughts, my own voice, or my own face.
i have been brought to the end of myself and i no longer find comfort even in my own arms
i had thought that if i go on, if i kept loving him, if i kept caring for him and showing him that i am there for him no matter what, that that was all we needed to make a beautiful life together..
but it is not all...
i cannot do it alone..
i cannot be the only one fighting for our love
if i have not been motivation enough, i may never be
if he did not love me enough when he had me, he may never love me trully.
it really does take two, and if i am the only one swearing faithfulness and i am the only one taking care of him, and no one is taking care of me, then it would have fallen apart anyway, whether he committed this crime or not
he didn't value me enough to make it work, and untill he proves that he is even capable of doing that, he cannot and he will not ever have that chance again....
2:09 PM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Angie
It is like you are taking the words right from my own heart. I know exactly what you are feeling cause I am going through it to. I keep you in my thoughts.
Angie
Posted by Angie on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 9:30 PM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
Little Steff
I am so glad that you are here in this place that I call home. This is where we met and this is where our mothers stay. This is the place where I will be. And in case you are ever scared or need me to squeeze you, or want me to buy you a (insert your favorite comfort food here), or want to introduce me to some weird food that looks a lot worse than it tastes, just to see my reaction, or if you don't have someone to cry to, or if you wanna go crusing, or if you need a buddy, or someone to go to church with or if you wanna pop some popcorn- you know the really buttery stuff- and watch a chick flick, or if you wanna yell and just need someone to really hear you, well my dear, here in this place you will find me. And in me you will find one who is willing to be all of those things for you. Love and sunny rainbowy smiley fresh breezez and huggy lovey gumdropedy chocolate covered smiles to you!
Posted by Little Steff on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 10:24 PM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
Star
renea..insparation and hope to women everywhere
Posted by Star on Tuesday, December 19, 2006 at 9:56 AM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
scotts nurse
Renee, i just cry for you and your loss. Like a death, i think. The death of what was and the mourning that follows. But these words sound shallow, and if only i could tell you that i try to understand, in order to pray for you the best i can. I love you. We should talk for hours one night. Wish i could have seen you. Love Sincerely, Devon
Posted by scotts nurse on Tuesday, December 19, 2006 at 10:03 AM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
posted by 1weirdgirl at 9:19 AM
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