Wednesday, December 20, 2006
home for the holidays...
home...
what does that mean?
is it where you feel safe? is it where your heart is, good or bad? is it where you sleep regularly? is it where those who are closest to you live? is it the place that you own, through the sweat and toil of a job and the signing of your life away to debt? is it merely a geographical location? or is it the place you most long to be, even in the best of times, as well as in the worst?
he once said i was his home
and i used to think that was the sweetest thing he had ever said.
and now... now that we have lived a dozen places, missed and paid countless bills, have been homeless together, have made a family together, travelled the country, and been through hell and high water together, and are now no longer side by side, now i see that i have never had a home...
not since my early childhood. when i was young enough to not fear the world around me.
in my youth there was always hope on the horizen.... though the building in which we lived, where my parents and brother lived, though it was not always a happy place to be, i was sure there was something out there, somewhere for me. i longed for escape since i can remember. i longed to discover things, to see new skies, breathe new air, meet new souls walk new lands and even taste new foods.
some may call it sheer boredom. some may say i suffered long enough, and some may thiink that i had it made. i can no longer say.. there are moments i have paused along the way to disect these earlier years, and there are many times that i had only found bitterness and lonely tears.
and the older i got the more i became convinced that i was not loved, nor would i ever be...
and now i would trade the world to back there again.
back before the fear came
back to a time when i didn't ask myself every morning, how did i get here? how has it come to this? how could this have happened to me? where is there hope? where is there peace? how can i go on? what am i going to do? how can all of life really be so cruel?
those questions came later.
and those questions are now all i know.
i have seen it all and i have seen enough
many try to comfort me, even him, but it is no use. my life is lost.
oh sure, another one may come some far off day, but i cannot fathom such.
i cannot imagine a time where i do not wish for it all to just suddenly end. where i do not beg Jesus every moment to just hurry up and come back. to come and take me home. to my true home, if ever that promise does trully exist....
but how long oh Lord? how long must we wait?
will the pain and abuse of the wicked ever be justified by any good that may come of this life?
i may never know.
9:34 AM - 4 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Little Steff
What I wouldn't do to have back my KID FEARS. Yes I know it's an Indigo Girls song. It's probably my favorite one. I can identify with that need to be carefree and still be grounded all in the same moment. To me thats how life was as a kid. All I'm saying here is that I hear ya girl. Check out the song. Oh and to me home is where I can dream, medatate, pray, think. Here is the literal meaning.
Home 1. A place where one lives; residence; habitation. 2. The physical structure or portion thereof within which one lives, as a house or apartment. 3. One's clase family and one's self; a person's most personal relationships and possesions: house and home. 4. An environment or haven of shelter, of happiness and love.5. Any valued place, original habitation or emotional attatchment reguarded as a refuge or a place of origin. 6. The place where one was born or spent early childhood,as a town or country. 7. The native habitat of a plant, animal or the like. 8.The place where something is discovered, for=unded, developed, or promoted; traditional centrum; source: "Take me to the same old place, SWEET HOME CHICAGO."/ home of the blues. 9. A headquartes or base of operations from which activities are coordinated; home base. 10. A goal or place of safetytoward which players of a game progress. 11. An institution where people are cared for.
Wow there is alot more - but you get the point. Love you lotz.
Posted by Little Steff on Wednesday, December 20, 2006 at 9:17 PM
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mama sara
o sweetie
i love you
we're here for you
sara
Posted by mama sara on Thursday, December 21, 2006 at 1:03 AM
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Anam Cara
I have goose bumps and my eyes are tearing up while reading this. You pour your whole soul unto the page and I think it's beautiful.
Posted by Anam Cara on Thursday, December 21, 2006 at 11:06 AM
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Angie
Where ever you sleep at night, you always have the support from many people who love you and would give anything just to hug and comfort you. He does not define you, whether you are with him or not you always have love, good friends and your beautiful children. Hang in there baby cause you are so much stronger than you might feel right now.
Posted by Angie on Thursday, December 21, 2006 at 9:01 PM
home for the holidays...
home...
what does that mean?
is it where you feel safe? is it where your heart is, good or bad? is it where you sleep regularly? is it where those who are closest to you live? is it the place that you own, through the sweat and toil of a job and the signing of your life away to debt? is it merely a geographical location? or is it the place you most long to be, even in the best of times, as well as in the worst?
he once said i was his home
and i used to think that was the sweetest thing he had ever said.
and now... now that we have lived a dozen places, missed and paid countless bills, have been homeless together, have made a family together, travelled the country, and been through hell and high water together, and are now no longer side by side, now i see that i have never had a home...
not since my early childhood. when i was young enough to not fear the world around me.
in my youth there was always hope on the horizen.... though the building in which we lived, where my parents and brother lived, though it was not always a happy place to be, i was sure there was something out there, somewhere for me. i longed for escape since i can remember. i longed to discover things, to see new skies, breathe new air, meet new souls walk new lands and even taste new foods.
some may call it sheer boredom. some may say i suffered long enough, and some may thiink that i had it made. i can no longer say.. there are moments i have paused along the way to disect these earlier years, and there are many times that i had only found bitterness and lonely tears.
and the older i got the more i became convinced that i was not loved, nor would i ever be...
and now i would trade the world to back there again.
back before the fear came
back to a time when i didn't ask myself every morning, how did i get here? how has it come to this? how could this have happened to me? where is there hope? where is there peace? how can i go on? what am i going to do? how can all of life really be so cruel?
those questions came later.
and those questions are now all i know.
i have seen it all and i have seen enough
many try to comfort me, even him, but it is no use. my life is lost.
oh sure, another one may come some far off day, but i cannot fathom such.
i cannot imagine a time where i do not wish for it all to just suddenly end. where i do not beg Jesus every moment to just hurry up and come back. to come and take me home. to my true home, if ever that promise does trully exist....
but how long oh Lord? how long must we wait?
will the pain and abuse of the wicked ever be justified by any good that may come of this life?
i may never know.
9:34 AM - 4 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Little Steff
What I wouldn't do to have back my KID FEARS. Yes I know it's an Indigo Girls song. It's probably my favorite one. I can identify with that need to be carefree and still be grounded all in the same moment. To me thats how life was as a kid. All I'm saying here is that I hear ya girl. Check out the song. Oh and to me home is where I can dream, medatate, pray, think. Here is the literal meaning.
Home 1. A place where one lives; residence; habitation. 2. The physical structure or portion thereof within which one lives, as a house or apartment. 3. One's clase family and one's self; a person's most personal relationships and possesions: house and home. 4. An environment or haven of shelter, of happiness and love.5. Any valued place, original habitation or emotional attatchment reguarded as a refuge or a place of origin. 6. The place where one was born or spent early childhood,as a town or country. 7. The native habitat of a plant, animal or the like. 8.The place where something is discovered, for=unded, developed, or promoted; traditional centrum; source: "Take me to the same old place, SWEET HOME CHICAGO."/ home of the blues. 9. A headquartes or base of operations from which activities are coordinated; home base. 10. A goal or place of safetytoward which players of a game progress. 11. An institution where people are cared for.
Wow there is alot more - but you get the point. Love you lotz.
Posted by Little Steff on Wednesday, December 20, 2006 at 9:17 PM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
mama sara
o sweetie
i love you
we're here for you
sara
Posted by mama sara on Thursday, December 21, 2006 at 1:03 AM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
Anam Cara
I have goose bumps and my eyes are tearing up while reading this. You pour your whole soul unto the page and I think it's beautiful.
Posted by Anam Cara on Thursday, December 21, 2006 at 11:06 AM
[Remove] [Reply to this]
Angie
Where ever you sleep at night, you always have the support from many people who love you and would give anything just to hug and comfort you. He does not define you, whether you are with him or not you always have love, good friends and your beautiful children. Hang in there baby cause you are so much stronger than you might feel right now.
Posted by Angie on Thursday, December 21, 2006 at 9:01 PM
posted by 1weirdgirl at 9:20 AM
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