Monday, January 01, 2007

what strange circumstances...


are there really powers of good and evil (such as God and the devil) at work?or is it all just coincidence... ?

are people always as good or bad, as decent or corrupt as they are, from the begining of their life till the end?

can people change who they are? does everyone have the same hope of becoming a better person if they want it bad enough?

can good ever be used for evil purposes?can evil ever be used for good?

what is trully bad or evil?

is pain bad?

are humans bad by nature? or by deed? or both?

is any ailment or discomfort from the Devil alone, or is it just a natural order of life?

is this life tainted?

is the human race bound to destruction, always?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

here i sit, on the first day of the new year, pondering so many things..

how i got here

how my life has fallen apart all around me

how there are fleeting glimpses of hope around every corner

and how every road before me is notedly marked with pain...

can i rise up from these ashes?

am i to be a bird of flame to drop jaws all around, or a pile of rubble left on display for all to citique and laugh at.?



new years eve, for me, was spent in torment and greif , both physically and emotionally (mentally all around as well)



... i had plans to go out and 'have a good time', despite the fact that the one man i ever trully loved has betrayed me, and my heart has been broken, possibly beyond repair...

i thought i would go 'out with the girls' and revel in my new freedom, nevermind that every sight of couples kissing brings anger and tears to my eyes. every ounce of laughter rings in my ear, and every time i turn i still wish i saw him next to me...

but then it started... first with a group of my freinds going to the city, and me finally admitting to myself that it really was too far a journey, both for my wallet and for my kids who would lie asleep in bed and miss me in the morning if i were not there or too hungover to get up...



then, in the midst of aiming for a more local plan of 'fun for the night' came the increasing pain in my neck.... shooting, stabbing.... first as a dull background sort of pain, then as a wincing breathtaking pain that robbed my smile and fortitude with every movement....

but, just as i was considering cancelling my plans with my number one girl, because, the ibuprofen wasn't helping and the muscle relaxers made me too tired to keep my eyes open... my 'husband' calls.

'i'd like to see the kids tonight if i could....' he was saying

'i'd like to go out and have fun....' i was saying, thinking i might make it after all, not wanting to let him know what i was going through.. i wanted to appear free.. unhurt by him anymore.. and unhindered in any other way.... totally over him... 'i have a life, you know' i'd say to myself...

but he heard the short breathes... he could tell i was afflicted by something, he could hear my agony...



as the truth came out he decided to offer the unthinkable...

'i'll come over.. if you'll let me... i'll help with the kids, while you get ready, if you do want to go out, i'll help you with dinner.. i'll rub your neck, i'll serve you, i'll do everything you ask, i'll do anything....'

i was so torn with these words... here he is, offering things he rarely, if ever, offered while we were together... and here i was, trying to make dinner in increasing torture, it becoming more and more difficult to move, let alone prepare something to eat, and who was i kidding? i wasn't going out! i wanted to die it hurt so bad, even though i had taken over a 1000mg of painkillers and muscle relaxers... and the kids were rambunctious and wanting attention, and my parents needed help themselves, as their old bodies are falling apart as it is, and they can't pick the girls up, or bend over hardly, or wait on me hand and foot, as he was offering to do, and as i was quite obviously needing some one to do....

and what was i to do?call my freind and say, 'ok, i know you got your boyfreind there, who you haven't seen in a while, and i know we planned to go out tonight.. but can you just come over here, and finish making our dinner for me, and spoon feed me, and make me a hot pad to lay my neck on, and play with my kids till they're ready for bed, and put them in bed for me too?...???? please please please????

when all the while, here is the one man, who not only would do it if i asked, but was begging me to LET HIM DO IT!!!

well.. what can i say?

i gave in...

our kids adore him, and the oldest, as soon as she knew it was him on the phone, was all too delighted to hear from him and chatter away with him, and i knew he would not only 'watch' them, but would have fun with them, and they would be good for him, and my mom and i could finish dinner, or i could pass out on the couch while everything got taken care of, without screaming kids or messes being made....

.....

and what have i to say....?

how was i to know that it really would get that bad, and the piankillers really wouldn't ever kick in, and i really would end up passing out before the countdown, and he really would wait on me hand and foot, and he really would prove himself to not only be the one person suitable to 'take care of me the rest of my life' but that he is also proving himself to be more willing then he ever was.. to just make me happy.. to just be a man,,, and father and husband....



oh God oh God oh God....

do i really have it in me to give him another chance?

can i really agree to hold off on the divorce, just get a 'separation' and really let him move all the way to a new city, that neither of us has lived in before, and let him take the offer his uncle is handing him, (which is a really good offer at that, nevermind the ONLY offer) to start a new life, get a great job, with all the benfits a job should have, our own place- for the first time ever... and oh God oh God oh God!!!!

what if he really CAN do it this time? what if we really can start over, and really make it work.. really have, not just a good happy marriage but, a great fantastic, wonderful marriage? where he really is humble, and kind, and loving, where he really does respect me, and treat me not just good and right, but like a queen.. ok maybe i sound selfish here... but...

as pissed off as i want to be, and am.. .as angry and hurt and betrayed and abused, and neglected and disrespected and and hurt as i have ever felt, and mostly still do feel now...

when i really ask myself what i want, what i've wanted all along... it is for him to love me... like in the begining... before kids, before poverty, before all his fancy ideas and big plans, before he got distracted and dissillusioned.. before he forgot HOW to love me, and how important it is to provide stability, and support, and affection... before all the crap that he put us through...

what if people really can change?

what if God really can heal my heart?

what i really can love and trust him again?

what if dreams really do come true?

what if what if what if?????



well i may be a fool, maybe the biggest one ever.. but i am starting to really want it.... and even think it might be possible.....

maybe it isn't possible....

but what would be the harm, in letting him, just this ONE, LAST, time... to try... to prove it... for real....

if he does fail, well, he already has....

but if he succeeds....








1:39 PM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


Atim


Love hopes all things. this isn't meant to be a remark that you should take him back, but merely an observation from reading your blog, that GOD's love is in you. because LOVE hopes all things. and the only love that i've ever encountered that hopes all things is the LOVE of GOD.

peace to you in the new year and praise the MOST high for hope.


Posted by Atim on Monday, January 01, 2007 at 8:08 PM
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Anam Cara

oh honey pie. i hope you figure everything out. reading that gave me an eerie feeling. because i now know what you are going to do and i also know what i think you should do. and they are not the same. feel your way through this. with your heart and with your mind.

Posted by Anam Cara on Tuesday, January 02, 2007 at 7:08 AM
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jennifer


Love never fails...like Brianna's comment,this was what came to my mind-that the love of God never fails you,Renee. May this be the love of God for you--we'll be praying for this new turn and praying that it all works out for your good and HIS glory. Love you!

Jen and Charles



Posted by jennifer on Tuesday, January 02, 2007 at 12:23 PM
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is that a MAN on the water?

even knowing all that i know, i hope for nothing more than redemption for this. no one but God can do it, not you, not the man who hurt you as no man should ever hurt his wife. i believe that this is the man God made him to be, the one who was with you on New Year's Eve, the man only God can sustain. you hope in God, not in any man, remember that. and you are a queen, and a mother, and a servant, and a daughter. i love you.

Posted by is that a MAN on the water? on Wednesday, January 03, 2007 at 4:38 PM
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SHERI

Oh renee, I am so happy that ed is stepping up. I know there is hope. With Jesus anything is possible! I love you, and we are praying for you guys. Thanks for being my friend and helping me thru tough times. Maybe someday we will live near eachother. who knows.

Posted by SHERI on Thursday, January 04, 2007 at 10:13 PM
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brenna


I most certainly would have canceled all plans with "you know who" to come and put heating pads on your neck and take care of babies while you rested. i would even nurse chloe if that was nt creepy and a little wrong- i love ya girl hang in there.


Posted by brenna on Friday, January 05, 2007 at 8:11 PM

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

there's a lot i could say....


but really i am realizing that in the end, i am all alone.

i cannot trust anyone... to know what's best for me, to give me perfect advice, to have a clear head.

even i myself am swayed by the most base things.

i am a whirlwind, it has been said.. like a tornado, that comes and goes faster than you can prepair for, and in the wreckage left behind, you ask yourself, what happened?



i have to accept that even though i think i know ed better than any one on earth, and even though i think i understand the implications of everything he has done and said, and is still saying and doing, and even though i beleive i have the best plan of action, for ALL of our welfare... he is as guilty of heeding others advice as he accuses me of, and no matter what i think or say or feel, everything he does hurts me. every word every thought, every demand, all the begging, pleading and threatening.. it all hurts, and it won't go away, and i have to just give up.

he is determined to do, just what will hurt me the most, and i am determined to never give in to him again, as i see the mess he has made of our life, and i cannot trust him to make a healthy, well thought out, unselfish decision, ever, and so it begins.

we must fight it out, in the courts, through 'legality'... and people who don't know us, or see the situation clearly, will be forced to make decisions on our lives, based on so called fairness, and beaurocratic ideas of welfare.



oh well...

my husband never loved me.. oh well.. no biggie.. i guess there are worse things

our marriage is beyond repair

he won't listen or respect a single thing i say, but demands to have 'a say' in every future decision i make

he doesn't trust me

he doesn't look to my well being, or ask himself what wopuld be the best option for me... he couldn't care less...

and you know what, he never cared, and that is so clear to me now.


10:31 AM - 6 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


scotts nurse

I'm sorry renee. I cannot take this all in. If we move to Michigan, though, i'll be there for you. You know, literally. 5 hours away.

Posted by scotts nurse on Wednesday, December 27, 2006 at 9:02 PM
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Star

MOVE TO MICHIGAN :)

Posted by Star on Thursday, December 28, 2006 at 6:51 AM
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kenny and camilla

support support.

Posted by kenny and camilla on Thursday, December 28, 2006 at 10:55 AM
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Amythyst


If you ever need to talk or have a night out, you know that i am there for you girlie. Things will get easier....but it will take time.


Posted by Amythyst on Thursday, December 28, 2006 at 3:12 PM
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♥christie♥

I have nothing of value to say, but I'm still here.....checking in on you.

Posted by ♥christie♥ on Friday, December 29, 2006 at 12:40 AM
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Atim

i also have nothing of value to say, and i am also just leaving this to say that i am here for you.

Posted by Atim on Friday, December 29, 2006 at 12:49 PM

Thursday, December 21, 2006

the light....


i've made up my mind

i've finally figured it out....

i have only hesitated so far because ed threatened to just dissappear altogether, and now i know that it is his choice to make and i cannot change him either way

he will do whatever it is he sees fit, and he will only look out for himself and there is no stopping him...

i have to accept this

i have to move on

i married a man i thought i loved and i gave him all i had to give, and he threw it all away, and now expects me to feel sorry for him! well i am done!

i am gonna pick up the broken peices of my life and heart and family and i am moving on.. yes it will be a long hard road from here, and i may never even get the bare minimum from him, but you know what? i never did, so what?

he was just one more mouth to feed

he was a thorn in my side, and a rock in my shoe.. well now, shoeless and bleeding, here i go.. and i am not looking back.




8:32 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


Little Steff


Right on sista !!!


Posted by Little Steff on Thursday, December 21, 2006 at 8:54 PM
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Angie


Through the ups and downs always look back at what you wrote just now. It's inspiring!


Posted by Angie on Thursday, December 21, 2006 at 9:05 PM
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scotts nurse

Renee, we support you 100%.

Posted by scotts nurse on Sunday, December 24, 2006 at 2:47 PM

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

home for the holidays...


home...

what does that mean?

is it where you feel safe? is it where your heart is, good or bad? is it where you sleep regularly? is it where those who are closest to you live? is it the place that you own, through the sweat and toil of a job and the signing of your life away to debt? is it merely a geographical location? or is it the place you most long to be, even in the best of times, as well as in the worst?

he once said i was his home

and i used to think that was the sweetest thing he had ever said.

and now... now that we have lived a dozen places, missed and paid countless bills, have been homeless together, have made a family together, travelled the country, and been through hell and high water together, and are now no longer side by side, now i see that i have never had a home...

not since my early childhood. when i was young enough to not fear the world around me.

in my youth there was always hope on the horizen.... though the building in which we lived, where my parents and brother lived, though it was not always a happy place to be, i was sure there was something out there, somewhere for me. i longed for escape since i can remember. i longed to discover things, to see new skies, breathe new air, meet new souls walk new lands and even taste new foods.

some may call it sheer boredom. some may say i suffered long enough, and some may thiink that i had it made. i can no longer say.. there are moments i have paused along the way to disect these earlier years, and there are many times that i had only found bitterness and lonely tears.

and the older i got the more i became convinced that i was not loved, nor would i ever be...

and now i would trade the world to back there again.

back before the fear came

back to a time when i didn't ask myself every morning, how did i get here? how has it come to this? how could this have happened to me? where is there hope? where is there peace? how can i go on? what am i going to do? how can all of life really be so cruel?

those questions came later.

and those questions are now all i know.

i have seen it all and i have seen enough

many try to comfort me, even him, but it is no use. my life is lost.

oh sure, another one may come some far off day, but i cannot fathom such.

i cannot imagine a time where i do not wish for it all to just suddenly end. where i do not beg Jesus every moment to just hurry up and come back. to come and take me home. to my true home, if ever that promise does trully exist....

but how long oh Lord? how long must we wait?

will the pain and abuse of the wicked ever be justified by any good that may come of this life?

i may never know.


9:34 AM - 4 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


Little Steff


What I wouldn't do to have back my KID FEARS. Yes I know it's an Indigo Girls song. It's probably my favorite one. I can identify with that need to be carefree and still be grounded all in the same moment. To me thats how life was as a kid. All I'm saying here is that I hear ya girl. Check out the song. Oh and to me home is where I can dream, medatate, pray, think. Here is the literal meaning.

Home 1. A place where one lives; residence; habitation. 2. The physical structure or portion thereof within which one lives, as a house or apartment. 3. One's clase family and one's self; a person's most personal relationships and possesions: house and home. 4. An environment or haven of shelter, of happiness and love.5. Any valued place, original habitation or emotional attatchment reguarded as a refuge or a place of origin. 6. The place where one was born or spent early childhood,as a town or country. 7. The native habitat of a plant, animal or the like. 8.The place where something is discovered, for=unded, developed, or promoted; traditional centrum; source: "Take me to the same old place, SWEET HOME CHICAGO."/ home of the blues. 9. A headquartes or base of operations from which activities are coordinated; home base. 10. A goal or place of safetytoward which players of a game progress. 11. An institution where people are cared for.

Wow there is alot more - but you get the point. Love you lotz.


Posted by Little Steff on Wednesday, December 20, 2006 at 9:17 PM
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mama sara

o sweetie
i love you
we're here for you

sara

Posted by mama sara on Thursday, December 21, 2006 at 1:03 AM
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Anam Cara

I have goose bumps and my eyes are tearing up while reading this. You pour your whole soul unto the page and I think it's beautiful.

Posted by Anam Cara on Thursday, December 21, 2006 at 11:06 AM
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Angie

Where ever you sleep at night, you always have the support from many people who love you and would give anything just to hug and comfort you. He does not define you, whether you are with him or not you always have love, good friends and your beautiful children. Hang in there baby cause you are so much stronger than you might feel right now.

Posted by Angie on Thursday, December 21, 2006 at 9:01 PM

Monday, December 18, 2006

she will love him, revised


there was a time when i thought i had seen it all, and it was still not enough to leave him

there was a time when i thought the joy of loving him far outweighed any pain he could cause me

well those times are over

now i see just what he is capable of

the cheating, the lying, the manipulation, the utter disregard of my heart

he has betrayed me on every level

he has failed me in every way

and i now know that it is not so much that i can only love him to a point

but that if i am to trully love him, i have to leave him

it is not love to let him controll me the way he does

it is not love to enable him to keep hurting me beyond repair

to abandon myself altogether

to lose all self esteem and any resolve i ever had to care about my own welfare... that is not love...

if it is love that he needs than he cannot have the permission to trash me to oblivion

he cannot be allowed a place in my heart any longer, if he is only able to bring that place to such ruin that i start to hate the whole world altogether

yes we are each responsible for our own actions, but something terrible happens when you give someone all of you and they abuse you in this way

when they lie to you and cheat on you and can't even face the consequences of their own sin and still have the nerve to demand your forgiveness...

the fact that i have catered to him for three years now, all the while beleiving he can change, that he does love me, that he does care, that we have just had it hard.. i was a fool, and to go on in that way would be to my demise.

it is sad, but it is true...

what is the saddest thing is that i really thought i was happy with him

i really thought we had a good marriage, or at least i thought it would only get better...

i kept hope, i remained faithful, through all of his neglect and mistreatment

i loved him with my whole heart, and now my heart is so shattered and shriveled up in bitterness, i no longer recognise my own thoughts, my own voice, or my own face.

i have been brought to the end of myself and i no longer find comfort even in my own arms

i had thought that if i go on, if i kept loving him, if i kept caring for him and showing him that i am there for him no matter what, that that was all we needed to make a beautiful life together..

but it is not all...

i cannot do it alone..

i cannot be the only one fighting for our love

if i have not been motivation enough, i may never be

if he did not love me enough when he had me, he may never love me trully.

it really does take two, and if i am the only one swearing faithfulness and i am the only one taking care of him, and no one is taking care of me, then it would have fallen apart anyway, whether he committed this crime or not

he didn't value me enough to make it work, and untill he proves that he is even capable of doing that, he cannot and he will not ever have that chance again....


2:09 PM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


Angie


It is like you are taking the words right from my own heart. I know exactly what you are feeling cause I am going through it to. I keep you in my thoughts.

Angie


Posted by Angie on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 9:30 PM
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Little Steff


I am so glad that you are here in this place that I call home. This is where we met and this is where our mothers stay. This is the place where I will be. And in case you are ever scared or need me to squeeze you, or want me to buy you a (insert your favorite comfort food here), or want to introduce me to some weird food that looks a lot worse than it tastes, just to see my reaction, or if you don't have someone to cry to, or if you wanna go crusing, or if you need a buddy, or someone to go to church with or if you wanna pop some popcorn- you know the really buttery stuff- and watch a chick flick, or if you wanna yell and just need someone to really hear you, well my dear, here in this place you will find me. And in me you will find one who is willing to be all of those things for you. Love and sunny rainbowy smiley fresh breezez and huggy lovey gumdropedy chocolate covered smiles to you!


Posted by Little Steff on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 10:24 PM
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Star

renea..insparation and hope to women everywhere

Posted by Star on Tuesday, December 19, 2006 at 9:56 AM
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scotts nurse

Renee, i just cry for you and your loss. Like a death, i think. The death of what was and the mourning that follows. But these words sound shallow, and if only i could tell you that i try to understand, in order to pray for you the best i can. I love you. We should talk for hours one night. Wish i could have seen you. Love Sincerely, Devon

Posted by scotts nurse on Tuesday, December 19, 2006 at 10:03 AM
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Sunday, December 17, 2006

gone, there i go


so.. i did it.. i left him.. guess i had it in me after all...

not sure i have much eloquence in me to paint it all pretty though...

and as much as he is holding on to hope, hope is as far as it has ever been from my heart at this moment...

i am all dried up

i thought i had an endless sea of love for a man i now have come to wonder if i ever even knew...

i find myself on the parched bed of a long gone river and i have no tears left to wet the earth

they have fallen through the cracks of my soul, down to the depths of the pain which goes far deeper than i will ever dare to go

i am lost

i am cold

i am alone

and try as he may he is no comfort to me

no comfort at all

i have had to lock myself away for the last three days just to tolerate the air that i shared with him

parts of me escaped at times, and yes i let it slip just how weak i am, but i absolutely refuse to be moved by even the most impressive displays of his motivation or desire.

he has lost me

and that is his fault alone

and i will cry no more



WOW, I will be praying for you my young little friend. Know that Elena and I love you and will miss you.

Posted by Curtis on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 6:36 AM
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mama sara

o sweetie
we're here for you
and praying for you
God bless you and keep you


Posted by mama sara on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 11:12 AM
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Amythyst

You are in my thoughts and prayers sista...

Posted by Amythyst on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 11:13 AM
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Little Steff

Good for you mamakins. Hang in there. We all must trudge the road to our destiny. What dosen't destroy us can only make us stronger. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the girls. Love you!

Posted by Little Steff on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 11:45 AM
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♥christie♥


Stephen and I love you and those babies. We are so sorry. Just sick about it. We'll be praying for you........and being pissed off for you.


Posted by ♥christie♥ on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 1:26 PM
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April

I'm so sorry it had to come to this You did what you felt you needed to do, and we support you in it as you had every right to. We're praying for you and we're here for you if you need anything. Love, April

Posted by April on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 2:05 PM

Thursday, December 14, 2006

what am i to do?
Current mood: discombobulated

how am i to love a man who cheats and lies?
how can i give my heart to a man who only breaks it?
how do i raise his children? with or without him?
is it really in me to forgive?
again?
how many times?
77 x 7 like jesus says?

i am so lost and hurt and betrayed and confused..
just when i thought the sun was starting to peer through the stormy skies...
just when i thought our break was coming...
just when i thought he was really capable of loving me like he says he wants to...

and why now?
why does he wait 2 months to tell me, all the while i was the fool...
beleiving him,
beleiving her...
i don't even want to think about her...
it makes me sick how naive i have been..

every red flag was there...
i had every warning
i knew every precaution...
and even after the act he had the nerve to play as if there was nothing wrong...
as if he could never do such a thing... though he had before...
as if my inability to trust were the problem...

and he just stood by and watched..
watched me welcome her..
making freinds...
making art together...
all the while hiding their dirty little secret..
and all the while she begged him not to tell....

how could he do this?
to me?
to us?
to our children..?

all the lies, all the connery and deceit that it took....
to get me to come back to him, when i was already ready to leave him
at the time thinking all he had done wrong was spend a little too much time talking to her..
innocent conversation he would have me beleive...

while i was nerve racked with fear and suspicion, 2000 miles away
him swearing he knew how to set boundaries for himself
him swearing he could make his own restrictions...
'let me do it out of love, not law' he would say,
convincing me i need not make rules to govern his life...

and how does he show his love?
by going to her house...
getting drunk with her...
alone...
when i didn't even want them to talk over the internet?

some boundaries!!!
and then again he does it?!!!!!????
only a few days later!

how can i forgive this?
months have gone by...
and now he tells me
tortured by his guilt he tells me

am i to have pity?
has he no shame?

merry mother f@*..ing christmas honey!!!!

Currently listening :
Lovers Rock
By Sade
Release date: By 14 November, 2000

2:44 AM - 9 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


Amythyst

What dosen't kill us only makes us stronger.... I can't wait to see you and give you a great big old hug. YOU ARE NO FOOL. He is the fool ten times over.

Posted by Amythyst on Thursday, December 14, 2006 at 5:37 PM
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April


You are a very strong woman and I know you will get through this. I'm praying for you lots. XO, April


Posted by April on Thursday, December 14, 2006 at 5:59 PM
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Atim

Missing you and looking at the stars together, hoping to see one shooting across the sky, while eating your yummy cookies and drinking your expertly made chai. ( i swear i didn't mean to rhyme) This is what i first thought of when reading this. I have no advice to you, because i am not married, but i do have a home that is open and always ready for visitors.

Posted by Atim on Thursday, December 14, 2006 at 7:06 PM
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scotts nurse

Renee, i wrote that chick a mean letter and i don't even know what to do with ed. I feel like beating some folks down right now. how do i begin to forgive them. how do you? Darling you will get through and say the word and i'll help you. call me, if you can, let me know what i can do. we are here for you and want the world for you and your girls. the world!

Posted by scotts nurse on Friday, December 15, 2006 at 10:25 PM
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megan

Renee, I am so sad and praying for you. Comfort and peace, wisdom and God's grace to carry on. I just want you to know that we love you and want to support you in any way possible. Please call for ANY reason! We will be in Chicago (Des Plaines) on Jan. 10. Love, love, love to you. 707-498-5693 (my cell)

megs

Posted by megan on Saturday, December 16, 2006 at 11:08 AM
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kenny and camilla

its time to roll out. everyone wants to say the nice christian thing, but the nice"christian" thing doesnt work because it is bullshit. the biblical thing to do in this case is to get a divorce. Ed will never change or treat you like a woman. this is true, he has in reality really never treated you well renee. you must simply face the fact that ed doesnt know how to love you. is this a good reason to get a divorce i think it is the only reason to get one. the scripture allows for a divorce in this case. there is no amount of forgiveness that will ever heal your broken and wounded heart. dont be the weak woman living on borrowed bread. you can take charge of your life get away from the cause of most of your pain. yes this is a rough message and probably one that you will find hard to hear i'm sorry for my lack of tact... if you need anything let us know kenny

Posted by kenny and camilla on Saturday, December 16, 2006 at 9:03 PM
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Anam Cara


you are not to have pity and he does obviously have no shame.you are an amazing woman who does not deserve to be anybodys 2nd best. you should be worshipped, adored. fuck that mess that is the past. be strong. keep pn keepin on. i believe you can. my thoughts are with you and your daughters.


Posted by Anam Cara on Sunday, December 17, 2006 at 1:03 PM

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

more on love and striving for godliness...
Current mood: in awe

what is it about our so called love, as humans,that can drive us to do such unloving things? or is it even love at all... it feels like the deeper and stronger i love someone, the more fearful and worried and jealous i become. but that is not hope and trust. nor is it kind, or pure..

i see jealousy as a lack of faith and hope, more than a right of protection. i see worry and fear as a disregard of the love and care God has shown me... God is so patient and so willing, when i am so weak and unstable... while we were yet sinners eh? there trully is no merrit in all humanity to deserve the blessings our Maker showers on us. yet they keep coming... though, most of us can honestly say, that it is not often easy to see the joy in life...

it was always funny to me that God warned the isrealites to be careful of the day that all their needs were met, and their cup litterally overflowed.. they were warned to be careful to not forget the Lord their God, who gave them all these things, and brought them out of slavery and oppression...

it's funny because today it seems the opposite, where we are most likely to doubt God's presence when things are hard or cruel... but it is these times that the believer cries out in recognition of our need of God, be it God's love, protection or salvation...
when life is good and all is well we lose sight of our need, though i sometimes think i would be finally able to praise God, and this is selfishness, and it runs out... you may at first be thankful, when freshly set free from a terrible state, but as the hard times grow farther away, so does the idea that we are unable to sustain our lives in a fruitful way without such Presence...

i go back and forth between feeling justified in my fears and frustrations, and feeling humbled by my lack of faith... it should not matter what my circumstances are, i should be able to praise God on merrit alone... goodness and faithfulness, despite the lack of love i see in the world... and further more, if Jesus called us to love even our enemies, how can i dare stand, when i fail at loving the ones who are most dear to me...

sure i 'love' them in my mind, but do i trust them, do i honor them, do i never lose patience or gentleness. am i always seeking their good, no matter the cost it is to me... and do i believe they are doing the same?

well i want to, and i can see so clearly at times, how it is not the nature of humanity to do so, but it is the gift of God...

every trully good deed, every pure and rightous act is solely motivated by the heart of God, no matter the influences we try to attribute...

i think in the 'knowledge of good and evil' there is a kind of 'death' that was promised (in the curse) for the knowledge of good, just as much as to the knowledge of evil... the trap is the thinking that we are somehow worthy of any credit towards good or right actions... when really it all comes from God, whose image we were made in...

when i fail to love, it is because i am more concerned with my needs and feelings than anyone elses.... i see the temptation, in the first story of the bible -in the garden- as a picture of the same temptations at work today...

1. doubt the word of God: "did God really say not to eat the fruit?'
2. doubt the consequences of disobedience: "you will not surely die"
3. doubt Gods motives: "really it will make you wise..." (as if there is any other wisdom than that from GOD, AND AS IF HE DOES NOT DESIRE US TO HAVE IT!)
and the biggest one:
4. the temptation to be like Him....
this is the main one i think, way down to the smallest level, like trying to credit myself for right living...
in another post i quoted C. S. Lewis wrong... his question was this: 'why is it that when we are good and kind, we credit our good virtue and upright charachter, but when we are mean or rude, we credit it to lack of sleep or food' i am paraphrasing i know... but the pont is clear...

but it is not necessarily to make my self so small, though that is a big part, but rather it is to say that when i am hurtful, it is not so much that i am so evil, though i surely am, but that i am filling myself with the wrong love, the wrong hope, the wrong words... Gods love is pure, whereas mine, the one the enemy wants me to adapt to and live in, is prideful and self centered...

the very first reaction adam and eve were noted to have once they 'ate the fruit' was them noticing their nakedness... their eyes fell off of God and onto themselves!


Jennifer Knapp sings in one of her songs, that sticks out to me right now: 'my soul can't see, when i only look at me, my heart can't hear, when i only think of my own fear...'

though time and circumstance may give me 'reasons' to doubt and run in fear or hate, these are not the only evidences in my life of some central theme... the theme comes from whom i credit... can i really credit hardships to God? sure maybe God has lessons He want us to learn at various times, but is He limited to the trials, or the presence of evil to teach us such things?

certainly not!!!

how much more glory is it to God, that God's Goodness is so potent, that even in the presence of evil, there is a universe full of life and wonder and truths of glory and freedom! how much more wonderful is it to say that God is so wise, He can work with any situation, and circumstance... wisdom is shouting from the rooftops! despite whatever blundering idiocies the theif wishes to scream at us! the question is who we will listen to... God doesn't have to bring the trial just for us to learn something... the brokenness of our world is already at hand, the trials are already there... far be it from God to add to it!... maybe it is our Creator's desire that we would look deeper, and harder, to what else there is to see... that through God ALL things are possible, that God's love really does wash away every worry fear and otherwise 'evil' attempt of the plunderer...

another favorite musician of mine, Stevie Woner, sings in one of his songs 'you ask me where is my God, and i say it's taking Him so long, cuz we've got so far to come!'

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Monday, October 09, 2006

shaken and stirred

well life really is strange
and it seems to me that most people don't really know how to love, though most of us want to, or at least we say we do...

the more i think about it the more i see that (forgive me if this is obvious) love is more of a sacrifice than a good feeling... it seems people want to do the thing that feels good, or makes someone else 'happy', but is that love? maybe not in all circumstances... maybe sometimes the truly loving thing to do, might actually look more hurtful than not...

i heard once that to 'bless' someone litterally meant to bleed for them. this would imply that it is not just 'giving a good thing', but that it costs you something more than just the gift, that the actual giving of it is painful. by considering your self less... being willing to hurt for an other's benefit.

in the bible, Paul gives a description of love, that most of, if we're honest, can easily see we fail at.
Love is patient, love is kind... nver boastful, never rude.. never seeks its own, never rejoices in evil or keep record of wrongs... hopes all things, trusts all things... endures all things... why is it so hard? what is it in us that makes us struggle with the most basic necessity of life?

C. S. Lewis noted an interesting thing, why is it that when we are mean we blame it on being tired or hungry, why doesn't fasting make us more, kind more gentle, rather than irritble and tense...


whats inside comes out i guess, like the water in a glass... dirty or pure, if you shake the glass, the water will come out

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Sunday, October 08, 2006

looking through a glass onion
Current mood: contemplative

i've been disecting my life like an onion, and accoringly the sting has brought me to tears, as well as those around me.
i've been asking many questions, some to God, to myself, to my husband, and to the air, which has been just as ready to give me answers as anyone else.

mainly i want to know that there is hope... for me, for my family, for the the world...

it seems to fade more and more everyday...

maybe i just need a break, maybe if i had the chance to step completely out of my current reality, and got to look in on a whole different group of people, and way of life, their thought processes, their world views... maybe things might make more sense...

i have always believed, somewhere deep down that there was a God, that was ultimately good... somewhere in life i started to question this though, when more and more the hurt and suffering of countless undeserving people seemed to pile up so high, higher than any tower of babel, higher than any skyscraper, even higher then the sattelites' orbit...

how could a good God allow such things? i would ask

the more i search out the story of the fall, the more it starts to make sense, and the pain and chaos of the world, to me serve as proof that God is good, and ultimately right above all...

how else would we expect the world that is in direct disobedience of Him to look?

healthy?
happy?
sustainable?
peaceful?

sure the devil may have a plan to mimick God's goodness, but could he ever really acheive it? God's goodness? or only a base understanding of selfishly motivated good?

isn't that the current trend?
'what would we do without cars and airplanes?' "what about cell phones and the internet?
are these not 'good' inventions?" what about the medical industry and all the discoveries of science? are those not good?

do we think these things ungodly in and of themselves, or merely the way we go about getting them? countless wars over pollution causing oil, slave labor factories that take advantage of the impoverished and helpless societies...
surely there is someone(s) making good of all this destruction? else why would it go on?
isn't evil merely the going after of a good thing in a 'wrong' or hurtful way?

God made sex, and it is good right?.. but rape is not good... why?
theft? most likely done to feed or otherwise 'aid' someone -lest it's drug addiction, then there is another false pretense of what good actually is... but is thevery wrong if it is 'helping' someone? what about who it hurts?

what about all the hurts caused by our supposed good

medical practices, that either fix one thing and harm another, or are only available to the wealthy and 'privaledged' in society. or all the 'research' done on defensseless creatures?
how do you think they find out about the side effects?

and when and where do we draw the line? when is one man's enrichment no longer worth the oppression of another?

i do not doubt God's goodnesss in these questions, i doubt man's ability to solve their own self-created problems...

but the question for many is becoming 'what then do we make of this life?
surely we do not give up trying?'

surely the right side is worth fighting on, whether or not we see the full victory in this lifetime...

12:43 PM