God help me

the more i face myself, the uglier i seem to become.
i don't know if i will ever find the light at the end of the tunnel i fear i am in...
it is so dark and so cold
i feel i get litte glimpses once in awhile, but soon fear it was only my mind playing tricks on me...
who am i?
who have i become?
this i ask everyday, several times, and i am constantly shocked by the answers...
if our actions are all that define us, than i am near to the worst person i have ever met...
where do you draw the line, between hurt suffered and pain inflicted... when will i stop the cycle of abuse..
ok, so i've been wounded... can i ever overcome? will i ever move on?
can i ever trust again? love again?
smile?
sing?
stop complaining and whining, and judging and accusing...
it has to stop, it can't go on....

but how?
when?
where are you oh Lord, my refuge?

this is about all i can say...

i've been having trouble with words lately, and words are my life!!

that pretty much sums it up...

i am being bolder than i ever have in saying just this little bit... and yet there is so much to say, but i fear the pain of letting it all out more than that of holding it all in... even if it means i will one day crack and break apart into a million peices...

facing my fears.

facing my fears...

so i've been in quite a funk lately,
a scarry state of hiding, lashing out, and retreating again.

of yelling and crying, really really crying, like uncotrollable sobbing... and screaming and cussing

it's hard to say what all brought it on...
i'm sure it's lotts of things...

but i am only just starting to attempt to stand once again, i no longer fear the being knocked down... it is bound to happen...

humans are so incredible and scarry and full of simplicity and complexity, and strangeness to mundane with every level of unpredictability...

what is it about fear that can be so controlling... so overpowering?
how can fear be a motivation? i mean isn't that a contradiction in terms?

fright or fight or flight?

i guess it can be all three, almost all at once...

this has been me, for a while now...

maybe i am just bi-polar, i don't know, it seems i am either really good, or really bad... but i have been getting worse and worse ffor so long now it seems, i don't even remember what good feels like...

anyway... i ramble...
but i am realizing i can i either lay here and wait for the hungry dogs to feast on me, or i can growl back... ya sure, i'll probably get bit, but life is for the living!

overcoming

overcoming...

i hate to steal someone else's story, but the strangest (sort of) thing happened to me...

so... at the time of me writing this, on my profile is this song 'horses', by the be good tanyas, and it is crazy the journey it has taken me on, and aparently others as well...

but what is most profound to me is this one guys story and how specifically it related to mine...

ok so here it goes...

the song has no lyrics right, well when you first listen to it, you would think they're might be, but they are just hard to discern... but if you try to find them on google or something you will discover that there are no real words, but rather emotion and sound and melody the singer is expressing... and these are what spoke to and moved me, as an apreciater of the band, and music as a whole-which music to me is a spiritual and emotional journey-

anyhoo, when i discovered these things, i became tempted to write my own lyrics in an official way, but soon gave up, as i could not make the words flow right...

but then, in more of my searching, i found the journal/webpage of someone who did, and it has been a healing and overcoming process for him...

but the truly striking thing to me, was at the time of finding his page, when i read everything he was going through, it was like he wrote it specifically for me, i was weeping and overwhelmed with the intensity of his conflict and how deeply i related to nearly everything he was going through...

it is just crazy...

but since i don't want to offend, i will not refference him or his sight till i hear back from him, though if you wanted to i'm sure you can attempt the same search and find him just as easily

anyway, i only write about this because it is so intense for me, and it was like i needed to hear read it, for my own healing and overcoming.